The power of a letter to get unstuck - Elaine Froese | Canada’s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition


The power of a letter to get unstuck

by | Sep 22, 2022 | Uncategorized

Sometimes we have to go back to basics in order to keep healthy change happening on our farms. I have been encouraging frustrated young farmers to write a letter of intent to their founding parents. People who are stuck with a large degree of anxiety and overwhelm from not knowing the certainty of the future are caught in what William Bridges has termed “the neutral zone”. You want to get out of neutral and move towards a more certain future.

Let’s look at five types of letters that might be helpful to your situation:

  1. Exploration
  2. Collaboration
  3. Explanation
  4. Confrontation
  5. Affirmation

You might want to take parts of each of these types of letters to accomplish your specific goals. Here’s how I have seen them used in my coaching work.

  1. Exploration: This is the discovery process of seeking out the possibilities of how you might like to address an issue with another party. You are exploring the various options ahead of you. For a young farmer, it might be exploring a new business plan with the founders or folks who hold most of the equity in the operation.  What opportunities are you wanting to explore on your farm? What letters of reference or testimonials do you have in your research to prove that it is a workable choice to engage? Writing the letter will help crystalize your commitment to the project and help think things through for your business plan.
  2. Collaboration: The purpose of this letter is to agree on a working contract. I use this letter in my speaker agreements to be clear about timelines, dates, venues, supplies, fees, and expenses. When you are wanting to collaborate on a project with a family member you usually talk about it a lot, but how many documents are in place to be clear about roles and responsibilities? Many farm folks I know wish that they would have to take a few more steps to get things in writing so that they could refer back to the original goals and expectations. A shareholder’s agreement is really a document letter of collaboration. Do you understand what your shareholder’s agreement says? Do you need to update it?
  3. Explanation: This is a powerful script to follow when you want to convey your thoughts and intent at a meeting, but are not sure that you will be able to say everything quite the right way that you want it to go. I have seen this type of letter used as a powerful tool by a farm widow who was distressed that her adult children were fighting over how the father’s estate had been carried out. She used the letter to read her thoughts at the opening of the family meeting. The children listened intently while their mother conveyed her angst at their bickering. When the tone of reconciliation had been set by the mother’s expectations conveyed in her letter, the children discussed their next steps towards a better family relationship with an understanding of why the estate was executed in a certain manner. People cannot read minds, so letters are a vehicle for building up understanding and starting robust courageous conversations.
  4. Confrontation. Stop texting when you are angry. Put that energy towards collecting your thoughts on paper in a word document that you can craft until it sounds right. I have used this approach when adults want to deliver a strong message of concern to another adult. In one case it was crafted by a husband and wife and then hand-delivered to the party that needed to receive the message of concern. This took time, and deliberation over carefully chosen words. The power of hand delivery emphasized the openness for ongoing conversation, and the seriousness of the need for the conflict to be dealt with. You can make this even more impactful if the letter is handwritten, as long as your writing is easy to read. Sometimes these confrontation letters are hard to receive, particularly if you are like me and would rather just have a face-to-face conversation. Use the letter as a starting point, and as an invitation to have a face-to-face conversation.
  5. Affirmation: One of my love languages is verbal affirmation. As a writer, I also love the power of the written word through cards and notes of affirmation. They are nice to see on social media, but those are fleeting comments. You can hold a card or letter of affirmation in your hand, and pull it out again on hard days when you need a word of encouragement. I have seen this powerful letter used by a father-in-law who sought to empower his talented daughter-in-law. He wrote her a letter stating the many reasons why he thought that they should work together on the farm. That letter started a great relationship, and affirmed open, loving, respectful communication between them as a team.

Some younger people have not learned cursive writing, and therefore only print or keyboard their messages. Our local agent who sells driver’s licenses has taken to teaching young teens how to craft a great signature! I find this hard to believe, but a reflection of how the written word is changing in our culture. Writing a letter to break down the barrier of anxiety about your future on the farm, or the plans for the fairness factor in estate plans is a place to start. You can be clear about your intent not to cause harm, stating your hope to gain clarity of expectations for the future. 

You can think about the words you carefully choose. 

Please consider what type of letter you need to be crafting today. For more tips, download my How to Write a Letter to Get Unstuck PDF.

Listen to the Ag State of Mind Podcast 124 and 125 to hear how powerful a letter can be. I coached the host Jason Medows on these episodes.

Write me a letter, Box 957, Boissevain, MB, R0K 0E0.


Elaine Froese, CSP, CAFA, CHICoach has a team of coaches ready to help your family find harmony through understanding. Visit here to book a free discovery call. Invite Elaine to speak in person to your group.

Did you enjoy The power of a letter to get unstuck? You might want to check these articles out too:

How to write a will with joy!
A New Frame to see Transition Possibility and Movement
“Managing Stubborn Farmers…”

Follow Elaine on Social for More Helpful Farm Family Advice!


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