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Coming to terms with a farm mom who is difficult to deal with may not be what you were expecting to read. After decades of coaching farm families, one might expect that farm moms always are collaborative and willing to negotiate what is best for all members of the family. Recently, the word “narcissist” has become part of the language of farm clients. I am not a psychologist, so labels are not for my coaching work. “Counselling is about recovery; coaching is about a discovery”. A narcissist is someone who really focuses on their own needs and wants without much thought about what others are needing or wanting.

Mother’s Day is typically a celebration to honor your mother. Farm women live out giving and serving the needs of their families over many seasons of hard times and good times. The issue I want to address is the “What if?” question. What if you have a difficult mother who is stalling decision-making for transferring assets to the next generation? What if your mother has a huge debt and is not willing to seek out financial assistance or mediation? What if your farm mom refuses to seek outside farm advisors’ expertise to help get the management of the farm or ranch back on track?

Stephan Poulter, author of the Mother Factor- How your Mother’s Emotional Legacy Impacts your Life mentions the ME FIRST type of mother, along with the perfectionist, unpredictable, best friend and complete style of mothering. He also wrote the Father Factor. Poulter suggests many tools for decreasing anger and co-dependence with your mom.

As a coach, it is hard to watch unresolved anger between the generations, especially when you have facilitated tough conversations.

  1. Come from curiosity. Be curious about what is going on for your mom. How old is she? What might she be afraid of? Is she emotionally well? What kind of support is she asking from you?
  2. Would your mother consider professional counseling help or therapy? Would you be willing to go together? If things don’t work out, are you willing to let go and walk away?
  3. Do you understand or know much about how your mother was treated by her parents and their succession plan? Is there a story she is telling herself that she has not been able to share with you?
  4. What is the meaning of money to your mother? Bruce Sellery’s work in Moolala, why smart people do dumb things with their money, explores what money means to different people. Does she have crushing debt? Is she so overwhelmed she is having a hard time knowing where to start to get more financial stability in her life?
  5. What would your mom like YOU to do differently? You can change your response; you cannot pressure anyone else to change theirs. Can you take suggestions or direction from your mother and then let her know if she has reasonable or unrealistic expectations of your behaviour?
  6. Are there family secrets that need to be uncovered? Has someone made a vow or a promise to do something for one of your siblings, and only mom knows about it?
  7. Is mom trying to keep her dead husband’s memory alive by listening to her husband’s voice in her head? Did she make deathbed promises that are no longer workable?

This winter I have met young ranchers who don’t want the debt-load of their parents. They have a mom who likes to “look like she is wealthy, but the truth is there is a lot of debt”. I have another young farmer who has tried counseling and was advised to walk away from a mother who doesn’t work to change behaviour for a healthier relationship. Another son has chosen not to challenge the poor choices of his mother and ignores the impact his volatile mom has on his spouse.

If you can shower love and blessing on your mother this year, be grateful for emotionally sound relationships. Those of us who are motherless can choose to model great listening skills for the wounded around us who are longing for better connections to family.

We can also work at exploring the other person’s perspective. What does it look like to be in mom’s shoes this year? Show her grace and empathy.

Can we learn to share our emotions respectfully, saying, “Wow, I had no idea what was really going on for you, “tell me more. It feels good to get a better understanding of your journey!” Expressing emotions is a positive conflict behaviour.

Reach out. “Would you like to talk? I’ll listen.” You don’t have to fix the other person; you just need to be present with their story.

Adapt and be adaptable. I thought I was hosting a large family gathering, only to find out that I was just cooking the ham and coming to another house to celebrate. This was a miscommunication with no blame or judgement. I work to live on a drama-free farm.

“Just because there is drama, does not mean you have to attend the performance.”

Seek to build on the good. If you are having a hard time finding a Mother’s Day card that is reflective of the reality of your relationship, you might want to use a blank card. Can you be grateful for the good things your mom has given you or taught you? If words are too hard, maybe just a simple clutch of flowers will convey a degree of caring or offer to do a small chore to lighten mom’s load.

Every farm mom who reaches out to our team is looking to find better communication to get family harmony. It’s tough when some family members are not willing to do the work to change the language or make repair conflict hurts to build a legacy for the farm family.

I pray you to have a Happy Mother’s Day on your farm.

***

Elaine Froese, Certified coach. Click here for resources.

Recently I had the pleasure of doing a podcast with two young farm moms of the Midwest Farm Wives podcast. Listen to it now on
Stitcher or Apple.

We have a tool called the Conflict Dynamics Profile, which you can do online to learn about your strong conflict behaviors and your hot buttons. My hot buttons are folks who are aloof and or unreliable. Go here to find out more.

Invite Elaine to speak at your next event, virtually or in -person. Visit here for the IN-LAW webinar on June 11.

Did you enjoy When it is hard to honour Mom what can I do? You might want to check these articles out too:

How to Be Present With Family (and Why It Matters)
Rejuvenating Roles of Women in Agriculture
Farm Mom: The Important Lessons She Has Taught You

Fixing Your Time Stress Mess

60 minutes

Workaholics will discover helpful strategies for managing their time stress. Gain understanding for the tensions of your age and stage on the farm. Learn why some problems are not solvable, but just need to be managed as polarities. Self-renewing people are joyful and productive producers.

$15

Rave reviews

“A joy to work with, heard loud and clear. When the farmers laughed or asked a great question, I knew they were listening and really wanted to learn from her. Her tips were easy to understand. It was just about understanding that conflict happens, and to have the confidence in yourself to ask for what you want. In the glowing review from farmers after her presentation, I knew they had heard that loud and clear.”
Maddy Berner, Event Planner & Communications Coordinator, National Milk Producers Federation National Milk Producers Federation
“I wanted to say a HUGE thank you for your virtual kitchen table chat with Arlan Academy. My wife and I signed up as it was exceptionally relevant to our current journey with potentially transitioning to her parents’ farm. The session was able to cover so many aspects of these crucial conversations and hearing you speak to both sides of the conversation was eye opening for my own perspective on this topic. It seemed to be very well attended and sounded like there were many other people who would echo my thoughts and feelings on it.”
N. Oakley, Farmer, Ontario
“Elaine helped me allocate $1 Million of assets the night I listened to her. Elaine’s presentation brings value to the use of my services in my office.”
Don Forbes, Forbes Wealth Management
“I recently joined in and listened to your Healthy Farmer Agriwebinar for FMC. I truly enjoyed hearing your perspective and even went and grabbed my Mom, away from her work, to come and listen in on some of your main points as well! One area that really stood out for me, both personally with our own succession plans and with our clients, was your discussion involving "Instant Influence" and how ready are you to change? I loved this concept!”
Annessa Good, FCC Transition Specialist, Alberta
“Elaine Froese truly is the Farm Whisperer. With her big heart and stern resolve, she guides families through uncharted waters and helps them arrive safely at their desired destination. She has been there, done that, and has helped hundreds of families come out on the other side. With your family and your farm legacy on the line, you owe it to yourself to start this conversation. You do not need to do it alone. Let Elaine Froese guide you through. Your legacy is being written day by day. How will you be remembered?”
Tracy Brunet, Host of The Impact Farming Show & CEO of Farm Marketer
“You speak like you’ve been sitting at our kitchen table! You know our family issues well. I am feeling more comfortable understanding what we now need to do. Elaine Froese is real.”
Audience Member,
“I attended the meeting you spoke at in Stratford Ontario recently. We held an emergency family/farm meeting today because of issues that I had enough of. We used a 'talking stick' like you recommended and wrote a chart of rules. The rest of the family thought the idea that we needed a meeting was worth rolling their eyes over, until we got started. The younger ones were quick to clue in that they now have an opportunity to be bluntly honest. The older ones took a bit longer to believe they could truly say what they think. In the end, the meeting needed two sessions because there was so much to talk about… and so many things people didn't realize were a big deal to the others. Your lessons and encouragement have given us the tools we need to get to a better place in our relationships and our business. Truly thankful.”
Kim Martin, Dairy Farmer, Ontario
“Helped me develop my framework to start having constructive and meaningful conversations around the farm.”
Tennille Wakefield, Farm Partner
“Some great lessons, Elaine! You continue to do some remarkable and potentially life-changing work.”
James Mitchell, Principal, Conversations Consulting
“Our family had a good farm meeting yesterday afternoon. Your Fairness video was a great topic of discussion. One of the action items after the meeting was to have my two non-farming siblings watch the video before the next big meeting they are involved with on the farm. It will be a great conversation starter as we catch them up on our current plan. As they are younger, we also hope it will help them to ask new questions that may not have been on their mind.”
G.G., Farm Family Legacy Coach, Alberta
“Elaine gives me excellent tools that help me work with my clients!”
Laurianne Osmack, Financial Planner / Partner, Doell Osmak Wealth Management
“She has a sense of “knowing” quickly what is happening in the family dynamic. Her messages to her audiences drive home what needs to be done next to solve the complex issues of farm transition and conflict resolution.”
Audience Member,
“Eye-opening. Excited to open the door of communication with my spouse and farm family.”
Ashley Hoppe, Farm Partner
“The Strong Farms, Strong Families session gave farm families an opportunity to meet face to face with Elaine Froese... hear her own story, experiences and skill set. From this information packed session and related materials, families could identify areas of success in their journey and other places they need assistance. The greatest take away was that participants could see that Elaine Froese is someone they can trust with the things that they hold most precious.... their family and their farm.”
Nancy Atkinson, Nobleford Ag Society, Alberta
“Elaine’s real-life scenarios help her audiences know they are not alone, knowing there are creative solutions to help them get the life on the farm they have always wanted.”
Audience Member,
“A long time female client who had refined the art of procrastination was so moved by the end of your presentation that she accepted your permission to “drop the bananas.” She contacted me soon after for an appointment to do some planning which included the selling of the family “Century Farm.” A very, very emotional decision on her part that was not likely to have occurred without your presentation.”
Don Forbes, Forbes Wealthy Management
“I just have to say… that your work is amazing and I have never forgotten your teachings from our session in Williams Lake at TRU. It is super important work. I know so many people going through the trauma of succession. I hate to use that word, but I was an “out-law” and know it can get terrible. I continue to forward your emails on to others. Keep doing what you do! You are amazing. You kind of walk into the fire regularly… and with a smile. Proud to have met you.”
Megan, BC Rancher
“As my husband and I eagerly started the course we were optimistic and excited to be taking this next step in our Farm Transition. We were starting to question ourselves and whether or not we were just being selfish and greedy, and if this Farm Transition was still an option for us. We barely got through the first Module and were already having such a huge relief. As we moved through the modulus there were so many times that we just sat back with our hands in the air and thought YES. My husband and I would smile with relief because all of the concerns that we have been struggling with were relevant and came up in the modules. We really enjoyed the course and are excited to move on to the next stages to find our farm resolution.”
Shannon Gilchrist, “Get Farm Transition Unstuck” online course participant
“My hubby farms with 2 brothers and parents, and it’s become a really toxic place. No communication, no respect, etc. Twelve months ago, my husband’s brothers told him they don’t want to work with him anymore and offered him a pay out. His parents did nothing to stop it! He had no choice but to leave. Three months later, we moved off the farm and into town. He has been offered heaps of jobs and is now truck driving and carting hay and grain. We have tried communicating with his parents about what happened but they are not interested. So basically my hubby has lost his family. Very sad but we as husband and wife are overall in a good place and moving on to create our own life. Please continue on with all your wonderful work in helping families on the farm. I continue to tell any farmers I know about you, that they must ‘google’ you, and read your books.”
Donna, Farmer, Australia

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+1-204-534-7466 | elaine(at)elainefroese.com

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