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In the Black Hills of Deadwood South Dakota Young Farmers and Ranchers had many texts for me at a presentation on Jan 21, 2022, my first in-person event in over 20 months.

When I asked the group of cowboys in their black Stetsons what was the one thing they grasped after 4 hours of interaction, it was “the importance of communication.” It is easy to say, but how do you put it into practice?

Here’s a random sampling of their private texts to me, see what lands for you on your farm or ranch:

1) What are your thoughts about my father listening to and understanding my wife, but not me? (I sat with this rancher at supper).
Folks have different communication styles, some are very direct, brief and action-oriented. Some are geared to relationships first, then get down to business. Some need all the details in a logical order and like to process things before they give a response. Others just want time to explore lots of ideas without interruption or judgment. Action, people, process, or ideas. Perhaps you need to figure out how your father likes to receive messages. Also, check-in with him by using his phrases and words when you respond. “Dad, I don’t feel like you really heard what I was trying to communicate. Can you repeat back to me what you thought I said? I’ll let you know if we have an understanding.” Also, does your wife’s communication style match your father’s style? Look for cues around his preferences and keep asking questions to confirm your message has landed.

2) How do you deal with your grandma and mother who act like their children don’t know their net worth and don’t want to talk about their will before they die? They are very Dutch and modest.
It’s 2022. All successful farms and ranches need financial transparency between the generations. Gone are the days of keeping your will secret from your business partners. Have some facilitated conversation with the older generation in the accountant or financial planner’s office. Say “I am just curious, why is it so hard for you to talk about your will? I cannot live with uncertainty, and I wonder if some of the assets can be transferred with a warm hand, not a cold one. I need to understand how much debt is ahead to manage.”

3) How do you deal with a stepparent (female partner ) that refuses to work but still wants all the benefits from the ranch. The ranch has supported this entity and their 100+ head of cows for over 10 years. As a child of ranch owner and trying to get into the operation how do you deal with that stepparent?
“We get the behaviour we accept. Your father is letting your stepparent have access to ranch resources without expectation of payment for feed, labour, etc… Figure out the dollar cost and put the data/numbers on the table for open discussion. Ask dad, “What does fairness look like to you?” As a potential business partner, I expect folks to pay for resources that help make them money, and all the financial transactions need to be accounted for, we want clean accounting on this ranch. We cannot change what we cannot measure.”

4) My son ranches with me and owns his own cattle (about half our joint herd) He owns none of the land and only a small portion of the equipment. I’m able now to gift him some of the land for his sweat equity in the ranch. Is this a good idea?
Yes, especially as a 72-year-old dad, you have the ability to live off your personal non-ranch wealth and give the opportunity to give certainty of equity to your son who I suspect has been with you for over a decade if he came back to the ranch after his first career. It amazes me how many engineers become ranchers later in life (I met one at this conference).

What does money mean to you? Security. Money is a tool if used properly. Something we fight over. Security, freedom, future. Freedom, Opportunity, Simply a tool. Choices.

My parents still have not come together as a couple and agreed on when or what their retirement looks like. We have discussed transition plans, but they keep changing their goals and timeframe. Time for a family meeting to create certainty of timelines.

What bugs you? Micro-management from older generation on how to do even little tasks.

What to do with a ranch that is in a corporation with 7 brothers as the shareholders? Can you give us tips on transitioning and getting so many people on the same page? Hire a coach to facilitate a large group of folks with different visions for the future.

Learning how to communicate effectively with my father and family is important for me.

One of our biggest barriers is a conflicting vision with family. I need to know when my brother is going to make some decisions on his business because it affects ours-he doesn’t invest or pay for anything. We have separate businesses, but he uses all our stuff, lives in our extra house, etc. Gather your data of the cost of doing business with your brother, put the numbers on the table, and get clear about payment and deadlines. Remember, if you continue to let your brother have a “free ride” he is going to continue freeloading.

What do you recommend I put in play so my wife would know what to do with the business if something were to happen to me? She doesn’t deal with any of the legal paperwork and so forth. But I want to make it easy on her if something were to happen. Fill out the Because I love you list and take your spouse to a financial planner and accountant to start developing those relationships before death or disability happens to you.

What are the exact documents needed for the transition of a small ranch from mom and dad to the son and his wife? Does it start with a will? No, a transition plan is a succession plan which is the transfer of labour, management, and ownership while you are alive. A will is part of an estate plan for when you are dead. Both plans need to start with coming to the table to discuss expectations, create certainty of timelines and well-written agreements. Communication is the first step.

A good day on the farm is faith, family, and fresh air.

How do you communicate with in-laws that are not communicators? They are not communicators yet, you are going to model expansive questions, attentive listening, and keep showing them the importance of sharing how they think, feel, and what they want.

What do you do when your father says he’s going to sell out and not hand anything down? He’s the 6th generation and I would be the 7th. Tell dad you are not willing to continue being emotionally blackmailed with his threats. Ask him why he is so angry. Is he hurt, afraid, or frustrated? Is he embarrassed he has so much debt at his age and doesn’t see a way to “save the ranch?”

We came here to hear great speakers and to make the tough talks. Just went through marriage counseling with my wife. Getting therapy is a great tool to help you heal your marriage and learn better communication skills.

I’m here with my 3 siblings and Mom and we are here to learn about transition options and how to work the ranch together going forward. Love for cattle and genetics. NO will…Yikes, you work on and own a multi-million-dollar ranch but have not protected your family from chaos. Get the lawyer’s appointment by Monday.

Big undiscussabull is the daughter in law involvement in transition. Ah yes, Farming’s In-Law Factor is the name of my book written to encourage folks to openly share their vision, dreams, and expectations. Make no assumptions. Everyone’s voice at the decision-making table is important, especially keeping all family members in the loop of ranch goals. Remember a different approach is not wrong, it is just different.

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Elaine Froese, speaker and coach, is happy to be in Montana with ranchers as you read this. Her messages give practical tools and help families find harmony through understanding. Visit elainefroese.com/contact and find out what Elaine and her coaching team can do for your transition success.

Did you enjoy Cowboys coached to embrace courageous communication? You might want to check these articles out too:

The Emotional and Financial Cost of Nastiness
“I’d just like to know…”
Who gets grandpa’s tools?

Fixing Your Time Stress Mess

60 minutes

Workaholics will discover helpful strategies for managing their time stress. Gain understanding for the tensions of your age and stage on the farm. Learn why some problems are not solvable, but just need to be managed as polarities. Self-renewing people are joyful and productive producers.

$15

Rave reviews

“A joy to work with, heard loud and clear. When the farmers laughed or asked a great question, I knew they were listening and really wanted to learn from her. Her tips were easy to understand. It was just about understanding that conflict happens, and to have the confidence in yourself to ask for what you want. In the glowing review from farmers after her presentation, I knew they had heard that loud and clear.”
Maddy Berner, Event Planner & Communications Coordinator, National Milk Producers Federation National Milk Producers Federation
“I wanted to say a HUGE thank you for your virtual kitchen table chat with Arlan Academy. My wife and I signed up as it was exceptionally relevant to our current journey with potentially transitioning to her parents’ farm. The session was able to cover so many aspects of these crucial conversations and hearing you speak to both sides of the conversation was eye opening for my own perspective on this topic. It seemed to be very well attended and sounded like there were many other people who would echo my thoughts and feelings on it.”
N. Oakley, Farmer, Ontario
“Elaine helped me allocate $1 Million of assets the night I listened to her. Elaine’s presentation brings value to the use of my services in my office.”
Don Forbes, Forbes Wealth Management
“I recently joined in and listened to your Healthy Farmer Agriwebinar for FMC. I truly enjoyed hearing your perspective and even went and grabbed my Mom, away from her work, to come and listen in on some of your main points as well! One area that really stood out for me, both personally with our own succession plans and with our clients, was your discussion involving "Instant Influence" and how ready are you to change? I loved this concept!”
Annessa Good, FCC Transition Specialist, Alberta
“Elaine Froese truly is the Farm Whisperer. With her big heart and stern resolve, she guides families through uncharted waters and helps them arrive safely at their desired destination. She has been there, done that, and has helped hundreds of families come out on the other side. With your family and your farm legacy on the line, you owe it to yourself to start this conversation. You do not need to do it alone. Let Elaine Froese guide you through. Your legacy is being written day by day. How will you be remembered?”
Tracy Brunet, Host of The Impact Farming Show & CEO of Farm Marketer
“You speak like you’ve been sitting at our kitchen table! You know our family issues well. I am feeling more comfortable understanding what we now need to do. Elaine Froese is real.”
Audience Member,
“I attended the meeting you spoke at in Stratford Ontario recently. We held an emergency family/farm meeting today because of issues that I had enough of. We used a 'talking stick' like you recommended and wrote a chart of rules. The rest of the family thought the idea that we needed a meeting was worth rolling their eyes over, until we got started. The younger ones were quick to clue in that they now have an opportunity to be bluntly honest. The older ones took a bit longer to believe they could truly say what they think. In the end, the meeting needed two sessions because there was so much to talk about… and so many things people didn't realize were a big deal to the others. Your lessons and encouragement have given us the tools we need to get to a better place in our relationships and our business. Truly thankful.”
Kim Martin, Dairy Farmer, Ontario
“Helped me develop my framework to start having constructive and meaningful conversations around the farm.”
Tennille Wakefield, Farm Partner
“Some great lessons, Elaine! You continue to do some remarkable and potentially life-changing work.”
James Mitchell, Principal, Conversations Consulting
“Our family had a good farm meeting yesterday afternoon. Your Fairness video was a great topic of discussion. One of the action items after the meeting was to have my two non-farming siblings watch the video before the next big meeting they are involved with on the farm. It will be a great conversation starter as we catch them up on our current plan. As they are younger, we also hope it will help them to ask new questions that may not have been on their mind.”
G.G., Farm Family Legacy Coach, Alberta
“Elaine gives me excellent tools that help me work with my clients!”
Laurianne Osmack, Financial Planner / Partner, Doell Osmak Wealth Management
“She has a sense of “knowing” quickly what is happening in the family dynamic. Her messages to her audiences drive home what needs to be done next to solve the complex issues of farm transition and conflict resolution.”
Audience Member,
“Eye-opening. Excited to open the door of communication with my spouse and farm family.”
Ashley Hoppe, Farm Partner
“The Strong Farms, Strong Families session gave farm families an opportunity to meet face to face with Elaine Froese... hear her own story, experiences and skill set. From this information packed session and related materials, families could identify areas of success in their journey and other places they need assistance. The greatest take away was that participants could see that Elaine Froese is someone they can trust with the things that they hold most precious.... their family and their farm.”
Nancy Atkinson, Nobleford Ag Society, Alberta
“Elaine’s real-life scenarios help her audiences know they are not alone, knowing there are creative solutions to help them get the life on the farm they have always wanted.”
Audience Member,
“A long time female client who had refined the art of procrastination was so moved by the end of your presentation that she accepted your permission to “drop the bananas.” She contacted me soon after for an appointment to do some planning which included the selling of the family “Century Farm.” A very, very emotional decision on her part that was not likely to have occurred without your presentation.”
Don Forbes, Forbes Wealthy Management
“I just have to say… that your work is amazing and I have never forgotten your teachings from our session in Williams Lake at TRU. It is super important work. I know so many people going through the trauma of succession. I hate to use that word, but I was an “out-law” and know it can get terrible. I continue to forward your emails on to others. Keep doing what you do! You are amazing. You kind of walk into the fire regularly… and with a smile. Proud to have met you.”
Megan, BC Rancher
“As my husband and I eagerly started the course we were optimistic and excited to be taking this next step in our Farm Transition. We were starting to question ourselves and whether or not we were just being selfish and greedy, and if this Farm Transition was still an option for us. We barely got through the first Module and were already having such a huge relief. As we moved through the modulus there were so many times that we just sat back with our hands in the air and thought YES. My husband and I would smile with relief because all of the concerns that we have been struggling with were relevant and came up in the modules. We really enjoyed the course and are excited to move on to the next stages to find our farm resolution.”
Shannon Gilchrist, “Get Farm Transition Unstuck” online course participant
“My hubby farms with 2 brothers and parents, and it’s become a really toxic place. No communication, no respect, etc. Twelve months ago, my husband’s brothers told him they don’t want to work with him anymore and offered him a pay out. His parents did nothing to stop it! He had no choice but to leave. Three months later, we moved off the farm and into town. He has been offered heaps of jobs and is now truck driving and carting hay and grain. We have tried communicating with his parents about what happened but they are not interested. So basically my hubby has lost his family. Very sad but we as husband and wife are overall in a good place and moving on to create our own life. Please continue on with all your wonderful work in helping families on the farm. I continue to tell any farmers I know about you, that they must ‘google’ you, and read your books.”
Donna, Farmer, Australia

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