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I’ve taken to music therapy to lift my mood during this Great Pause, and one of my favorite playlist songs is “Good Good Father” by Chris Tomlin. It helps me keep perspective on the character of God as we are all searching for answers far and wide. It reminds me of the many farm dads I coach who may be grandfather, manager dad, or the new young father of the successor team.

It is heartening to me to see many farm dads in 2021 being willing to go for family counseling to heal wounds in the family dynamic that is keeping the farm business stuck. These brave men are no longer willing to hook into the stereotypical image of “just cowboy up” or “soldier on”. These farm leaders and managers are opening up with vulnerability to find new ways to be a good father and a team player. Families are starting to understand that the emotional factors affecting planning on their farms need to be addressed.

Leadership Coach Kelly Dobson encourages farmers to work on their internal landscape to have a growth mindset to keep pace with the challenges of agriculture. As Tomlin’s song says “only God is perfect in all of His ways” yet we all get to choose if we will work on building stronger character and be a good soul with healthy emotions, mind, and will.

Growing stronger internally to be an emotionally strong parent, whether mom or dad requires some self-reflection and better language. Love does not read minds. The family has no idea what is really going on for dad until he is willing to share his thoughts verbally and disclose what is working for him and what is not.

As I write this encouragement to you I can see in my mind’s eye several clients who have no intention of causing hurt to their hard-working adult children, yet are falling short of the next generation’s expectations. In other columns, you have read my prompting to write a letter so you can clarify your thoughts on paper and process your feelings you want to share with your family. Then they can have the time to ponder your written intentions and formulate a careful kind response. But what then?

In God’s good book Galatians 5:22-23 reveals the fruit of the Spirit, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” This is the character of people who are working on their internal being by the grace of God in His Spirit. Let’s unpack what that could look like on your farm, regardless of your current faith journey.

Farm dads are longing for these things:

  1. Respect. As men age, their thinking may shift, and their identity as farmers is challenged when their ideas and opinions are not considered valid. Author Emerson Eggerich (Love and Respect) believes all men have a key need for respect. You can respect your father and still disagree with him. He’ll hear it in the tone of your voice, and how much time you give him to explain his perspective. Love and respect are a team in a strong marriage, and also applicable to showing up with gentleness when you are communicating to either generation on your farm.
  2. Time to process. Many farmers are not quick to think on their feet, and they need time to process a myriad of options being thrown at them. The younger fathers who have never been without their smartphones don’t have patience for delayed answers. Work on your self-control and be careful with the words that come out of your mouth, especially in the heat of conflict. Give yourself time to cool down. Clean out your conflict filters and bias towards the other person. Think about creating solutions together in a neutral place like a pick-up truck on the edge of a field, not a mom’s kitchen table.
  3. Build trust by sharing good intentions. At one point in a heated conversation with a very frustrated young farm dad, I asked his father “Is it your intention to cause harm to your son and his family ?” The answer was “No, not at all, I am trying to help him be successful.” This was not the younger generation’s felt experience, but we had to clearly state intentions in order to start building more trust. The next conversation centered around the practical steps the father would take to build trust. “Dad, you have to keep me in the loop. I can’t be the last one to know what is going on with your new plans!”
  4. Patience which can also be translated as “long-suffering”. Suffering in father-son, father-daughter relationships has been the focus of books like “Healing the Father Wound” by Dr. Norman Wright and “The Father Factor” by Stephen Poulter. Less than 20% of fathers would be considered “compassionate mentors” according to Poulter, but it is a great goal to have. When we get impatient we create accidents, mistakes, and fuel a lack of confidence. Instead of sputtering with disgust, how about a language shift? “By when Dad, can I expect that to be done?” Those two small words, “by when?” are very powerful for any generation to employ. You are managing expectations and not working from impatience or hostility.
  5. Hope for a positive future outcome. This is the opposite of the fear of failure. Men and women who have put in 44 crops in good times and in bad are seasoned in the cycles of agriculture. They have wisdom and experience. Many are willing to go to forgo their own dreams, and goals in order for the next generation to get a good kick-start to be successful. The good book says that “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). How are you planting seeds of hope on your farm?

I believe we are all capable of growing our character to be good good people.
Tell your dad in a very special way this year how much you appreciate him while you still can.


Elaine Froese CAFA, CSP, is the author of Farm Coach Insights and a trailblazer in farm family business communication. She is thankful she had a loving, gentle farm dad. Book her to speak to your group on Zoom!

Did you enjoy Growing to be a good good father? You might want to check these articles out too:

7 Ways to Encourage Our Farm Fathers
How to Celebrate Our Farming Fathers and Their Important Role on the Farm
How to Help Farming Fathers Be Really Happy

Fixing Your Time Stress Mess

60 minutes

Workaholics will discover helpful strategies for managing their time stress. Gain understanding for the tensions of your age and stage on the farm. Learn why some problems are not solvable, but just need to be managed as polarities. Self-renewing people are joyful and productive producers.

$15

Rave reviews

“A joy to work with, heard loud and clear. When the farmers laughed or asked a great question, I knew they were listening and really wanted to learn from her. Her tips were easy to understand. It was just about understanding that conflict happens, and to have the confidence in yourself to ask for what you want. In the glowing review from farmers after her presentation, I knew they had heard that loud and clear.”
Maddy Berner, Event Planner & Communications Coordinator, National Milk Producers Federation National Milk Producers Federation
“I wanted to say a HUGE thank you for your virtual kitchen table chat with Arlan Academy. My wife and I signed up as it was exceptionally relevant to our current journey with potentially transitioning to her parents’ farm. The session was able to cover so many aspects of these crucial conversations and hearing you speak to both sides of the conversation was eye opening for my own perspective on this topic. It seemed to be very well attended and sounded like there were many other people who would echo my thoughts and feelings on it.”
N. Oakley, Farmer, Ontario
“Elaine helped me allocate $1 Million of assets the night I listened to her. Elaine’s presentation brings value to the use of my services in my office.”
Don Forbes, Forbes Wealth Management
“I recently joined in and listened to your Healthy Farmer Agriwebinar for FMC. I truly enjoyed hearing your perspective and even went and grabbed my Mom, away from her work, to come and listen in on some of your main points as well! One area that really stood out for me, both personally with our own succession plans and with our clients, was your discussion involving "Instant Influence" and how ready are you to change? I loved this concept!”
Annessa Good, FCC Transition Specialist, Alberta
“Elaine Froese truly is the Farm Whisperer. With her big heart and stern resolve, she guides families through uncharted waters and helps them arrive safely at their desired destination. She has been there, done that, and has helped hundreds of families come out on the other side. With your family and your farm legacy on the line, you owe it to yourself to start this conversation. You do not need to do it alone. Let Elaine Froese guide you through. Your legacy is being written day by day. How will you be remembered?”
Tracy Brunet, Host of The Impact Farming Show & CEO of Farm Marketer
“You speak like you’ve been sitting at our kitchen table! You know our family issues well. I am feeling more comfortable understanding what we now need to do. Elaine Froese is real.”
Audience Member,
“I attended the meeting you spoke at in Stratford Ontario recently. We held an emergency family/farm meeting today because of issues that I had enough of. We used a 'talking stick' like you recommended and wrote a chart of rules. The rest of the family thought the idea that we needed a meeting was worth rolling their eyes over, until we got started. The younger ones were quick to clue in that they now have an opportunity to be bluntly honest. The older ones took a bit longer to believe they could truly say what they think. In the end, the meeting needed two sessions because there was so much to talk about… and so many things people didn't realize were a big deal to the others. Your lessons and encouragement have given us the tools we need to get to a better place in our relationships and our business. Truly thankful.”
Kim Martin, Dairy Farmer, Ontario
“Helped me develop my framework to start having constructive and meaningful conversations around the farm.”
Tennille Wakefield, Farm Partner
“Some great lessons, Elaine! You continue to do some remarkable and potentially life-changing work.”
James Mitchell, Principal, Conversations Consulting
“Our family had a good farm meeting yesterday afternoon. Your Fairness video was a great topic of discussion. One of the action items after the meeting was to have my two non-farming siblings watch the video before the next big meeting they are involved with on the farm. It will be a great conversation starter as we catch them up on our current plan. As they are younger, we also hope it will help them to ask new questions that may not have been on their mind.”
G.G., Farm Family Legacy Coach, Alberta
“Elaine gives me excellent tools that help me work with my clients!”
Laurianne Osmack, Financial Planner / Partner, Doell Osmak Wealth Management
“She has a sense of “knowing” quickly what is happening in the family dynamic. Her messages to her audiences drive home what needs to be done next to solve the complex issues of farm transition and conflict resolution.”
Audience Member,
“Eye-opening. Excited to open the door of communication with my spouse and farm family.”
Ashley Hoppe, Farm Partner
“The Strong Farms, Strong Families session gave farm families an opportunity to meet face to face with Elaine Froese... hear her own story, experiences and skill set. From this information packed session and related materials, families could identify areas of success in their journey and other places they need assistance. The greatest take away was that participants could see that Elaine Froese is someone they can trust with the things that they hold most precious.... their family and their farm.”
Nancy Atkinson, Nobleford Ag Society, Alberta
“Elaine’s real-life scenarios help her audiences know they are not alone, knowing there are creative solutions to help them get the life on the farm they have always wanted.”
Audience Member,
“A long time female client who had refined the art of procrastination was so moved by the end of your presentation that she accepted your permission to “drop the bananas.” She contacted me soon after for an appointment to do some planning which included the selling of the family “Century Farm.” A very, very emotional decision on her part that was not likely to have occurred without your presentation.”
Don Forbes, Forbes Wealthy Management
“I just have to say… that your work is amazing and I have never forgotten your teachings from our session in Williams Lake at TRU. It is super important work. I know so many people going through the trauma of succession. I hate to use that word, but I was an “out-law” and know it can get terrible. I continue to forward your emails on to others. Keep doing what you do! You are amazing. You kind of walk into the fire regularly… and with a smile. Proud to have met you.”
Megan, BC Rancher
“As my husband and I eagerly started the course we were optimistic and excited to be taking this next step in our Farm Transition. We were starting to question ourselves and whether or not we were just being selfish and greedy, and if this Farm Transition was still an option for us. We barely got through the first Module and were already having such a huge relief. As we moved through the modulus there were so many times that we just sat back with our hands in the air and thought YES. My husband and I would smile with relief because all of the concerns that we have been struggling with were relevant and came up in the modules. We really enjoyed the course and are excited to move on to the next stages to find our farm resolution.”
Shannon Gilchrist, “Get Farm Transition Unstuck” online course participant
“My hubby farms with 2 brothers and parents, and it’s become a really toxic place. No communication, no respect, etc. Twelve months ago, my husband’s brothers told him they don’t want to work with him anymore and offered him a pay out. His parents did nothing to stop it! He had no choice but to leave. Three months later, we moved off the farm and into town. He has been offered heaps of jobs and is now truck driving and carting hay and grain. We have tried communicating with his parents about what happened but they are not interested. So basically my hubby has lost his family. Very sad but we as husband and wife are overall in a good place and moving on to create our own life. Please continue on with all your wonderful work in helping families on the farm. I continue to tell any farmers I know about you, that they must ‘google’ you, and read your books.”
Donna, Farmer, Australia

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