One of the side effects of being home-bound during the “Great Pause” is that I’ve become very fond of the predictable story arc of Hallmark movies. We have a bit of a game to see if the first kiss is within the last 15 minutes of the show.
Farm marriages don’t need to get lost in fantasy or romantic dreams, but I do think it is time for validation of farm women.
Validation is defined as recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. Flowers, chocolates, country music playlists, or other “things” may be on your gift list, but I suspect the most powerful gift you give your spouse this month would be an open ear and time to sit and hear what is really going on for the other person in the union.
I usually hit a really raw nerve of emotion when I ask the farming guy on a coaching call “When it is her turn to get what she wants?”
This uncomfortable question is released as the aging farm founder is “just fine with the way things are” and his tired spouse is longing for significant changes in her residence, her roles, and her income streams. She’s given him her best 45 years or more, and she is tired. The extra restrictions of not being able to see friends or socialize in town have added layers of unwelcome loneliness. He is happy to go sort cows, run augers or organize the shop. She would really like a change of scenery and more laughter with grandchildren and girlfriends.
If the idea of sitting down to listen to your spouse in the quiet of your couch without the noise of the laptop, IPad, TV, or radio scares you, then perhaps you need to sit alone first.
Many folks don’t have a hot clue what they really want in their life, so life drifts by, sunrise, sunset, quickly go the years. What do you truly want? If you want some prompts email me for the “What I Want” pdf at email@example.com.
Aging farm women want a lot of different things, and I suspect the common denominator is a richness in relationship, good health, and the ability to do what they want with enough resources to fulfill the needs and wants of aging. I recommend getting a financial planner now.
Coaches find women over 50 typically want to simplify their life and downsize. This is where the desire for less stuff, better organization, and an easier home to manage comes to be a priority. Many farm women over 60 are still keeping books, doing Agri-stability, and wondering who is next in line for the administration jobs that aren’t so thrilling anymore. A phone call to the local accountant or your digital specialist far away will surprise you as accounting technician work can be done by folks who live miles away! Get a good scanner, and use your online banking.
What are you intentionally doing to affirm with your spouse that their feelings or opinions are valid and worthwhile?
I like it when my hubby says: “You are beautiful and I love you.” This is a great love gift to me as my love language is words of affirmation. No surprise there likely, as I am a writer.
My husband’s love language is acts of service, so he feels loved and affirmed when I do things for him, like cooking hot meals, finding his cell phone, and mending his coveralls after they’ve left some wheat in my washing machine.
A very powerful question for stronger marriages is “What would you like me to do differently?”
Some folks are longing for the gift of marriage time. Time to sit on the couch with a hot drink and just talk about life, hopes, and frustrations without judgment. A time to survey the state of the union and celebrate the good. A time to reflect on what the “rallying cry” needs to be for the needs of the family for the next 12 weeks before planting.
Many farm women are longing for quiet, some time and space carved out for their needs and wants. Others are looking for fun since the workaholic fuel of Covid has not been quashed, as one trade guy told me in the drugstore lineup, “Elaine, if we can’t play, we might as well just keep working.” That’s a disastrous recipe for emotionally healthy relationships.
You could use this “Great Pause” time to build future travel plans, or just zoom to the country you are missing. We zoomed with our Swiss friends recently and they said, “that’s the cheapest trip you will take to Switzerland.” We laughed, shared stories, and felt refreshed. Connection with others is key to building resilience in your marriage.
You may be holding back on asking for what you need in this season of life because you don’t want to appear weak or “needy”. Good grief. Where is it written that is not okay to ask for what you need? In the “mom’s book of martyrs”?
Try these conversation starters on for size:
I would like to start shifting some of my current roles and lighten my load on this farm. Could we try…
I am curious what the priorities are for the next 12 weeks on this farm, I would like to build in some time for fun…
I am not sure that I can keep going with the expectations of me working off-farm and on-farm, I’m finding it harder to manage my energy…
I’ve called the lawyer to make an appointment to update our wills and power of attorney, we can do this digitally now, we need to make some changes considering our adult children.
I’ve bought a flipchart and found a talking stick (stuffed toy) so we can start having monthly family business meetings to discuss who wants to live on the main yard, and when. I want us to sit down and listen to all the opinions and needs of each person on our farm team, including the spouses.
Both men and women need validation. Every voice counts. Let’s all work to increase the love and respect factor on our farms. Kiss more.
Elaine Froese, CSP, CAFA, CHI Coach celebrates 40 years of marriage on Independence Day (That’s an oxymoron for marriage!) Send her your best love story www.elainefroese.com/contact. Book her to speak to your group via zoom. Check out courses at www.arlanacademy.com
Did you enjoy this post on Valentine Validation of Farm Women and beyond? You might want to check these articles out too:
14 Tips for How to Prevent Divorce on Farms
My 9 Top Tips for Loving a Farmer
Love the blog Elaine! I got to live with the love of my life for 40 years. He too was a person of action, not words. Several pieces of equipment “just showed up in the yard” and after a couple times it wasn’t as much of a shock. Just before our 25 wedding anniversary he said book a trip to Mexico – I needed a second reminder as I thought he was kidding the first time. He suffered a moderate stroke during year 36 of our marrIage. He told the rehab team he was going back farming – tell me what I need to do to make it happen. Once their shock wore off, they did and he did. At year 39 he was diagnosed with cancer. This time the medical staff could only guarantee quality of life and not a lot of quantity. He updated his will. Spent as much time at the lake with his grandkids as he could and a month after our 40th anniversary was taken out by a heart attack. His last farm action was to go crop checking with his youngest daughter in her brand new SUV to see if the crops were ready to swath, the first-time baler operator was getting it right, everything was in place in the farm shop and visit with his brother in the shop one week before he passed away. Even though he used very few words, he all knew what he wanted.
Thanks for sharing this moving and powerful story of a man who loved his family to take care of the details, and persevere through many challenges.