One of the side effects of being home-bound during the “Great Pause” is that I’ve become very fond of the predictable story arc of Hallmark movies. We have a bit of a game to see if the first kiss is within the last 15 minutes of the show.

Farm marriages don’t need to get lost in fantasy or romantic dreams, but I do think it is time for validation of farm women.

Validation is defined as recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. Flowers, chocolates, country music playlists, or other “things” may be on your gift list, but I suspect the most powerful gift you give your spouse this month would be an open ear and time to sit and hear what is really going on for the other person in the union.

I usually hit a really raw nerve of emotion when I ask the farming guy on a coaching call “When it is her turn to get what she wants?”

This uncomfortable question is released as the aging farm founder is “just fine with the way things are” and his tired spouse is longing for significant changes in her residence, her roles, and her income streams. She’s given him her best 45 years or more, and she is tired. The extra restrictions of not being able to see friends or socialize in town have added layers of unwelcome loneliness. He is happy to go sort cows, run augers or organize the shop. She would really like a change of scenery and more laughter with grandchildren and girlfriends.

If the idea of sitting down to listen to your spouse in the quiet of your couch without the noise of the laptop, IPad, TV, or radio scares you, then perhaps you need to sit alone first.

Many folks don’t have a hot clue what they really want in their life, so life drifts by, sunrise, sunset, quickly go the years. What do you truly want? If you want some prompts email me for the “What I Want” pdf at

Aging farm women want a lot of different things, and I suspect the common denominator is a richness in relationship, good health, and the ability to do what they want with enough resources to fulfill the needs and wants of aging. I recommend getting a financial planner now.

Coaches find women over 50 typically want to simplify their life and downsize. This is where the desire for less stuff, better organization, and an easier home to manage comes to be a priority. Many farm women over 60 are still keeping books, doing Agri-stability, and wondering who is next in line for the administration jobs that aren’t so thrilling anymore. A phone call to the local accountant or your digital specialist far away will surprise you as accounting technician work can be done by folks who live miles away! Get a good scanner, and use your online banking.

What are you intentionally doing to affirm with your spouse that their feelings or opinions are valid and worthwhile?

I like it when my hubby says: “You are beautiful and I love you.” This is a great love gift to me as my love language is words of affirmation. No surprise there likely, as I am a writer.

My husband’s love language is acts of service, so he feels loved and affirmed when I do things for him, like cooking hot meals, finding his cell phone, and mending his coveralls after they’ve left some wheat in my washing machine.

A very powerful question for stronger marriages is “What would you like me to do differently?”

Some folks are longing for the gift of marriage time. Time to sit on the couch with a hot drink and just talk about life, hopes, and frustrations without judgment. A time to survey the state of the union and celebrate the good. A time to reflect on what the “rallying cry” needs to be for the needs of the family for the next 12 weeks before planting.

Many farm women are longing for quiet, some time and space carved out for their needs and wants. Others are looking for fun since the workaholic fuel of Covid has not been quashed, as one trade guy told me in the drugstore lineup, “Elaine, if we can’t play, we might as well just keep working.” That’s a disastrous recipe for emotionally healthy relationships.

You could use this “Great Pause” time to build future travel plans, or just zoom to the country you are missing. We zoomed with our Swiss friends recently and they said, “that’s the cheapest trip you will take to Switzerland.” We laughed, shared stories, and felt refreshed. Connection with others is key to building resilience in your marriage.

You may be holding back on asking for what you need in this season of life because you don’t want to appear weak or “needy”. Good grief. Where is it written that is not okay to ask for what you need? In the “mom’s book of martyrs”?

Try these conversation starters on for size:

I would like to start shifting some of my current roles and lighten my load on this farm. Could we try…

I am curious what the priorities are for the next 12 weeks on this farm, I would like to build in some time for fun…

I am not sure that I can keep going with the expectations of me working off-farm and on-farm, I’m finding it harder to manage my energy…

I’ve called the lawyer to make an appointment to update our wills and power of attorney, we can do this digitally now, we need to make some changes considering our adult children.

I’ve bought a flipchart and found a talking stick (stuffed toy) so we can start having monthly family business meetings to discuss who wants to live on the main yard, and when. I want us to sit down and listen to all the opinions and needs of each person on our farm team, including the spouses.

Both men and women need validation. Every voice counts. Let’s all work to increase the love and respect factor on our farms. Kiss more.

Elaine Froese, CSP, CAFA, CHI Coach celebrates 40 years of marriage on Independence Day (That’s an oxymoron for marriage!) Send her your best love story Book her to speak to your group via zoom. Check out courses at

Did you enjoy this post on Valentine Validation of Farm Women and beyond? You might want to check these articles out too:

14 Tips for How to Prevent Divorce on Farms
My 9 Top Tips for Loving a Farmer

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Workaholics will discover helpful strategies for managing their time stress. Gain understanding for the tensions of your age and stage on the farm. Learn why some problems are not solvable, but just need to be managed as polarities. Self-renewing people are joyful and productive producers.


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“The Strong Farms, Strong Families session gave farm families an opportunity to meet face to face with Elaine Froese... hear her own story, experiences and skill set. From this information packed session and related materials, families could identify areas of success in their journey and other places they need assistance. The greatest take away was that participants could see that Elaine Froese is someone they can trust with the things that they hold most precious.... their family and their farm.”
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Megan, BC Rancher
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Shannon Gilchrist, “Get Farm Transition Unstuck” online course participant
“My hubby farms with 2 brothers and parents, and it’s become a really toxic place. No communication, no respect, etc. Twelve months ago, my husband’s brothers told him they don’t want to work with him anymore and offered him a pay out. His parents did nothing to stop it! He had no choice but to leave. Three months later, we moved off the farm and into town. He has been offered heaps of jobs and is now truck driving and carting hay and grain. We have tried communicating with his parents about what happened but they are not interested. So basically my hubby has lost his family. Very sad but we as husband and wife are overall in a good place and moving on to create our own life. Please continue on with all your wonderful work in helping families on the farm. I continue to tell any farmers I know about you, that they must ‘google’ you, and read your books.”
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