Conflict Resolution: The Daughter-In-Law Barrier - Elaine Froese | Canada’s Farm Whisperer | Your go-to expert for farm families who want better communication and conflict resolution to secure a successful farm transition

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Conflict Resolution: The Daughter-In-Law Barrier

by | Apr 21, 2020 | Farm Family Coaching, Farm Succession, Farm Women, Farming Business, Grainews Articles, Uncategorized

Conflict Resolution: The Daughter-In-Law Barrier

Sometimes a short conversation lights a huge fire of controversy and this blog may create a few sparks. But please read carefully all the way to the end for key insights about conflict resolution in farm families.

Conflict Resolution for Farm Families

A farm family with a very strong-willed daughter-in-law asks their business planner how to make progress with decision making since the “in-law” seems to have an opinion about every farm business decision made.

The planner advised the farm team to consider farm business and shareholder decisions as their “territory” making it clear that the spouse, i.e., daughter in law was not part of that decision group.

What would you advise for conflict resolution?

Everyone has an opinion, so let’s dig deeper and figure out what a daughter-in-law needs.

Perspective

She has been raised in a paycheck family. She is used to a quick, consistent cash flow, benefits, and paid vacation.

Can you explain to her that the farm cash flow works differently? That capital reserves for large purchases take a few months or years to pay-off to zero? Explain that decisions are made to find assets that generate revenue and a house is not typically a revenue generator on the farm, so be careful with those farm home expenses. Keep a good track of family living costs.

Patience

The succession planning process takes a long time to work through. I remember in 2009 I spoke with a farmer I had worked within 1993. That was how long it took to nicely finish up all the details.

What attitude are you bringing home to the family unit from your business meetings? Are you frustrated? Does your spouse realize that there are always many sides to a story?

Conflict resolution between farming siblings is also common. Here’s how founding farmers and siblings can handle them.

The People Connection in Conflict Resolution

Young mothers of your grandchildren are doing their level best to raise happy, healthy kids, stay married to your son and still have friendships beyond the family.

Your daughter-in-law may need more social time than you do. Although you might want to explain the weather and time pressures of seeding, calving, and harvest.

Maybe you don’t need people to get energy, but your daughter in law does. As an introvert, you may never understand her needs as an extrovert.

If you aren’t happy with her social life, is it really any of your business? Does it affect your ability to manage the farm? Or are you just upset that her life looks better than yours?

[Tweet “How #farmers can be more understanding of strong-willed daughter #inlaws on the #farm.”]

Picture Perfect House

The home design channels don’t favor delayed gratification when it comes to renovating the farmhouse.

Stories still abound about the mother-in-law who can’t accept the new paint color on the wall of her former home.

I also met a farmer one winter who was exasperated that his daughter-in-law never wanted to live in the main yard.

He was hoping for a new location, and she was not interested in leaving the city. What is this conflict really about? Do you have the courage to call a family council and talk about your future farm vision, your values, and cherished beliefs?

Click here to read about Six Important Roles of Women in Agriculture—and How to Rejuvenate Them.

Expectations are the shortcut to discontent, so maybe it is time to clarify some expectations about lifestyle choices and residence.

Predictable Family Time

Many young farmers tell me they aren’t willing to work as hard or as long hours as their parents. They want a “life.”

Work-life balance is no balance at all. It’s more like buoyancy, keeping your head above water, and pausing for family time with some predictability.

We all work long and hard when the pressure is on. But for some workaholic families, the pressure cooker is never released with fun and friendship for the family.

A young dairy farmer solved this problem by joining ventures with his new business partner, his best friend so that both families have guaranteed family weekend time on alternate weekends.

What new business model are you considering in order to keep your family harmony healthy?

Please and Thank You

Many new family members are just looking for common courtesy and grace that you extend to the feed guy or fuel supplier.

The lack of appreciation is one of the barriers to succession planning.

Practice being more gracious to all farm team members and their spouses.

I know a young farm wife who is horrified that her mother-in-law does not have the common decency to open the gifts the young woman presents to her. Her husband is not protecting her or helping his mother understand that Mom is seeding the divorce cloud.

Pretending Everything is Just Fine

Peace-keeping by avoiding conflict serves no one. In fact, avoiding conflict is no form of conflict resolution at all.

Courageous conversations need to happen to change promises into written agreements, produce a family code of conduct, or job descriptions for the farm policy manual.

I am curious why many young women who come from a totally different conflict resolution style family are not given a chance to express their concerns and issues in a respectful forum. You allow the accountant and financial planner to look at the numbers. But are you being honest about the tension and poor family dynamic that will blow apart the best-laid plan?

If you can’t resolve conflict, gain some skill in this area by taking a conflict resolution course, hiring a facilitator/mediator or get some phone coaching. Unresolved conflict grows ugly as time goes on when there are fewer options to resolve a fight that was really very fixable in the early stages of the conflict.

Click here for more help with starting those tough and tender conversations.

Privacy with Respect

Your son and daughter-in-law may now occupy the main yard home residence. You are used to being onsite to lend a hand and be the “hired help.”

Your intent to help out may be misinterpreted as “interference” not helpfulness.

This is where the line, “ I was just curious…am I doing things that are irritating you? My intent is to be helpful like my mother-in-law was. Just checking.”

Respect for all members of your farm team will be helpful. It will pay huge dividends in the emotional bank account of your farm family.

I happen to be a strong-willed daughter in law myself, so I would recommend honest, open communication to iron out those irritants that are interfering with your decision-making process. Ask yourself: “What do I need, and what is it that she needs that she is not getting? “ Then ask her!

Would you like help with farm succession planning and handling farm transitions? Contact me about my farm succession planning and farm family coaching!

If you enjoyed this article and you’d like to dive deeper, don’t miss these posts:

The 5 Ways of Dealing With Conflict on the Farm
How to Communicate To the Different Generations on the Farm
10 Things Millennial Farmers Want

This article was originally published on April 28, 2015, and has been updated.

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2 Comments

  1. Ginger Byers

    You assume all daughter-in-laws are materialistic and no nothing about a business or a farm. How about the DIL that does a good portion of the work on the farm, has come up with operating money and signed her own name on the bottom line (along with her husband but not his parents) and still has a part time of farm job to help make ends meet? I did all of this and then my in-laws didn’t like how money was handled, because it was finally fair for the younger generation, so they convince soon to force the DIL out. I know other woman who were raised I farms and when they marry a farmer and she makes suggestions (because she’s been there done that) who are treated horribly. How about an article for that type of DIL?

    Reply
    • Elaine Froese

      Hi Ginger.
      I would like to challenge your assumptions. Many DILs are very active as farm partners, and are very astute business people. Many of them also contribute off-farm income. I am not sure how your in-laws worked to “Force the DIL out” as you don’t mention what role the spouse played in this. I suggest that you get a copy of our book Farming’s In Law Factor at my store at http://www.elainefroese.com/store. We need healing stories, as there are plenty of negative stories to fill a book or two. Our book focuses on practical tools and approaches to solving conflicts and creating solutions where each person on the farm team can thrive and achieve their vision and goals. I am sorry for your pain and loss of your dreams on your farm. I hope you can find a way to a healthier relationship with your farm business partners. Some young couples do this by leaving and having joint ventures with folks who treat them well. “You get the behaviour you accept.”

      Reply

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